and still losing.
I'm not on my specific diet or anything... and since I got a boyfriend I've been eating a little more.
but mostly just eating about once a day... under 1000 cals I guess... but was still drinking pretty regularly until just recently.
going to try to get back into walking again. stop being a lazy ass.
had a few more episodes of cutting... actually had to get staples (15 to be exact) on my last cuts. blah... but that was a few weeks ago.
after I cut off contact with my (ex) best friend Ashley, things have been better.
she was seriously dragging me down.
I had summer classes, that's where I met George, my boyfriend... fall semester started august 31st.
i'm definitely a broke college student. have to pay $90 before they cut off my electricity with money I guess i'm gonna pull out of my ass.
oh, sometime this summer I got diverticulitis. pretty sure from laxative abuse. my intestines are pretty much back to normal now.
I definitely stopped purging. although my latest ECG came back pretty normal, and my blood pressure is the typical stable/low, my pulse rate doesn't go below 90, and is averaging around 100, and sometimes going up to 110's-120.
it's funny, i'm not dieting, but I really don't have money for food anyway. and if I did i'd probably spend it on beer. but since I don't want to drink in hoping of cutting out extra calories i'm actually okay with it. any money is going toward bills, and paying back the people who have helped me out with my cost of school books.
I think i'll be okay once my grant money comes in, but that will probably be next month. *grumble* being poor sucks. but at least I have a roof over my head, education, and cats. oh yeah, and now George.
the sex is pretty good. it felt weird at first since I hadn't fucked anyone in over two years. but hey, pretty great now. plus he says i'm the bestest in bed. not to give TMI, but we leave bruises and scratch marks on each other. just go kinda wild. he says i'm kinky... never been called that before. I think I just associate pain with pleasure. he says it's sexy when I take pain. I try not to be too violent. I accidently made him bleed one time. he says he doesn't mind.
he choked me a little hard one time and left finger print bruises around my throat and some on my wrists. Ashley (ex best friend) was convinced he was beating me haha. i'm like no, it's none of your business, and besides he looks worse than I do.
- Current Location:cat central
- Current Mood: apathetic
- Current Music:marilyn manson
I didnt call you names. I didnt know abt a separate comment. So im sorry. But if had a comment like yours on my first post I would leave. At least I actually welcome someone before giving "advice". But do what you want. I dont really care. Im not a mod. But im considering posting on other boards because I dont want your opinion about what I do or dont do.
Fcked up my leg last night. Ugh.
which is good because I had given myself a small abrasion on my esophagus plus heartburn after purging episode. which was lame. it finally feels better.
woke up, and down to 1*6.5 today... lost another inch around my waist, hips, boobs, thighs, and butt. I could do without loosing boobage, but part of me just remembers that they are like, pure fat.
still not brave enough to try on some of the pants I couldn't fit into like a month or so ago, even though I've lost at least 10 lbs... i'll wait til I get in the 120's I think.
i'm feeling okay, think i'm going to fast today seeing as it's 2:30pm and I haven't eaten yet... i'm reading a book called "fasting rediscovered" and it's really good.
going to try and update more regularly... it's not that I don't have time to, it's just sometimes, especially if I haven't lost weight, that I feel like I don't want to talk :(
Wish I could post every where at the same time. I gained two pounds since last update from drinking and eating. Like forbidden foods. Like fast food. Then I remembered my last option .. my last two days have been no eat. One meal maybe six saltines... today I ate chicken. Purge. Lost a pound. Two excedrin and three exlax. Eat small potatoe. Purge. Tske pills get high.. ugh haven't done this in forever fucked up. ... thinking about mini wine bottle. Yeah more like sleep.
We turn skeletons into goddesses and ask them how not to need.
yeah right. totally drank with my neighbor (and friend) Ashley. I feel bad cuz I had to drag her home and her mom was sooo pissed. I am such a bad influence :(
not to mention the calories. i'm gonna regret it on the scale tomorrow. alcohol has way too many calories. but it has been a while since I've "let loose" so I don't think i'll regret it. i'll just lose it this week by calorie cutting and exercise. i'm already lighter than last month... it almost makes me nervous, I haven't lost weight this quickly in years. but I suppose I just want it bad enough.
my mom saw me today and say I can't get below 135....... or what??? i'm friggin 28 years old. not her, or even my treatment team can dictate my weight anymore.
when I was 18 I had to stay home an extra year because if I didn't agree my treatment team and parents were going to get a court order saying I couldn't take care of myself because I wouldn't maintain my minimum weight.
well, I haven't lived with my parents for years. my dad has disowned me, and I know mom is worried that i'm relapsing, but she can't stop me. I almost feel bad, but losing weight makes me feel better. too much better. I hate to say I don't care what she says, but I don't.
last time I went to the hospital they warned me that after years of starving my body's organs were getting weaker and I had to recover or die. but i'm not passing out, and I feel great, and i'm not even "anorectic" by definition right now (just EDNOS).
so screw them all. i'm doing this. another 9-10lbs this month. i'm doing this. my goal by the end of april is under 130lbs.
- Current Mood:determined
9lbs this month and 2.5 inches froma around my hips and waistline. .. cant wait to see what april brings...