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omggggggggg so much has changed.

yeah screw that last boyfriend. I had totally forgotten about him actually. current weight is floating between 124 and 121... I look back at my stats in October and I was 118. with 19 in thighs. which is fat, but not as fat as 21 in thighs that I have now. I used to be too embarrassed to post my stats because they are so bad, but I figure why the hell not. I mean, i'm trying to get screwed by life. like, getting involved with a married man. that is so captivating. if he was single, I would already have him. when I first met him I didn't know he was married and we had an instant connection. we have been very platonic. nothing that you wouldn't do in front in front of your mother. now I find out he has this "second life" thing... that is how he.... is.... and wishes to be.... and his wife is just.... I dunno? stupid? he says he has bought her lingerie and stuff and she never wears it... and they have been to therapy... and I guess maybe she just isn't in to what he is into.... which is pretty much a 50 shades of grey thing. and I have no idea what I'm doing.... about the married man situation. 50 shades of grey is a walk in the park. i'm currently reading the book and i'm like this like soft core s/m. it's a weird book that seems passionless and passionate at the same time. I totally understand the pain with pleasure thing. and we are both scorpios. I have never been involved with another scorpio and he is very sexy in a nonchalant kindof way. and I have no idea what i'm doing. like wtf Ashley you have been the other woman once before. it never ends well. it will be fucking awesome but it will end terribly. why do I do this to myself? I need to talk to him again. to figure out what is going on. meanwhile.... who can think of food? pounds need to be lost. life is out of control.

sooooo.....

yeah, haven't been on here since april.... down to 120lbs now. 26" waist. down to a size four again.

and still losing.

I'm not on my specific diet or anything... and since I got a boyfriend I've been eating a little more.

but mostly just eating about once a day... under 1000 cals I guess... but was still drinking pretty regularly until just recently.

going to try to get back into walking again. stop being a lazy ass.

had a few more episodes of cutting... actually had to get staples (15 to be exact) on my last cuts. blah... but that was a few weeks ago.

after I cut off contact with my (ex) best friend Ashley, things have been better.
she was seriously dragging me down.

I had summer classes, that's where I met George, my boyfriend... fall semester started august 31st.

i'm definitely a broke college student. have to pay $90 before they cut off my electricity with money I guess i'm gonna pull out of my ass.

oh, sometime this summer I got diverticulitis. pretty sure from laxative abuse. my intestines are pretty much back to normal now.

I definitely stopped purging. although my latest ECG came back pretty normal, and my blood pressure is the typical stable/low, my pulse rate doesn't go below 90, and is averaging around 100, and sometimes going up to 110's-120.

it's funny, i'm not dieting, but I really don't have money for food anyway. and if I did i'd probably spend it on beer. but since I don't want to drink in hoping of cutting out extra calories i'm actually okay with it. any money is going toward bills, and paying back the people who have helped me out with my cost of school books.

I think i'll be okay once my grant money comes in, but that will probably be next month. *grumble* being poor sucks. but at least I have a roof over my head, education, and cats. oh yeah, and now George.

the sex is pretty good. it felt weird at first since I hadn't fucked anyone in over two years. but hey, pretty great now. plus he says i'm the bestest in bed. not to give TMI, but we leave bruises and scratch marks on each other. just go kinda wild. he says i'm kinky... never been called that before. I think I just associate pain with pleasure. he says it's sexy when I take pain. I try not to be too violent. I accidently made him bleed one time. he says he doesn't mind.

he choked me a little hard one time and left finger print bruises around my throat and some on my wrists. Ashley (ex best friend) was convinced he was beating me haha. i'm like no, it's none of your business, and besides he looks worse than I do.

I didnt call you names. I didnt know abt a separate comment. So im sorry. But if had a comment like yours on my first post I would leave. At least I actually welcome someone before giving "advice". But do what you want. I dont really care. Im not a mod. But im considering posting on other boards because I dont want your opinion about what I do or dont do.

Fcked up my leg last night. Ugh.

oookay, so after recovering from the lax/purging thing, I rehydrated myself and decided that I am better than that. I know starving has always been my M.O. but I had eaten more that day and felt gross. mostly I don't condone those behaviors, nor partake in them...

which is good because I had given myself a small abrasion on my esophagus plus heartburn after purging episode. which was lame. it finally feels better.

woke up, and down to 1*6.5 today... lost another inch around my waist, hips, boobs, thighs, and butt. I could do without loosing boobage, but part of me just remembers that they are like, pure fat.

still not brave enough to try on some of the pants I couldn't fit into like a month or so ago, even though I've lost at least 10 lbs... i'll wait til I get in the 120's I think.

i'm feeling okay, think i'm going to fast today seeing as it's 2:30pm and I haven't eaten yet... i'm reading a book called "fasting rediscovered" and it's really good.

going to try and update more regularly... it's not that I don't have time to, it's just sometimes, especially if I haven't lost weight, that I feel like I don't want to talk :(

Sigh

Wish I could post every where at the same time.  I gained two pounds since last update  from drinking and eating. Like forbidden foods. Like fast food. Then I remembered my last option .. my last two days have been no eat. One meal maybe six saltines... today I ate chicken.  Purge. Lost a pound.    Two excedrin and three exlax. Eat small potatoe. Purge. Tske pills get high.. ugh haven't done this in forever  fucked up. ... thinking about mini wine bottle. Yeah more like sleep.

We turn skeletons into goddesses and ask them how not to need.

((alcohol))

"oh alcohol, will you please forgive me? for while I cannot love myself, i'll drink something else."

yeah right. totally drank with my neighbor (and friend) Ashley. I feel bad cuz I had to drag her home and her mom was sooo pissed. I am such a bad influence :(

not to mention the calories. i'm gonna regret it on the scale tomorrow. alcohol has way too many calories. but it has been a while since I've "let loose" so I don't think i'll regret it. i'll just lose it this week by calorie cutting and exercise. i'm already lighter than last month... it almost makes me nervous, I haven't lost weight this quickly in years. but I suppose I just want it bad enough.

my mom saw me today and say I can't get below 135....... or what??? i'm friggin 28 years old. not her, or even my treatment team can dictate my weight anymore.

when I was 18 I had to stay home an extra year because if I didn't agree my treatment team and parents were going to get a court order saying I couldn't take care of myself because I wouldn't maintain my minimum weight.

well, I haven't lived with my parents for years. my dad has disowned me, and I know mom is worried that i'm relapsing, but she can't stop me. I almost feel bad, but losing weight makes me feel better. too much better. I hate to say I don't care what she says, but I don't.

last time I went to the hospital they warned me that after years of starving my body's organs were getting weaker and I had to recover or die. but i'm not passing out, and I feel great, and i'm not even "anorectic" by definition right now (just EDNOS).

so screw them all. i'm doing this. another 9-10lbs this month. i'm doing this. my goal by the end of april is under 130lbs.

I'm okay with drying up and blowing away

9lbs this month and 2.5 inches froma around my hips and waistline. .. cant wait to see what april brings...

((love.it))

1*9 today... I've lost 7lbs this month. *finally* feeling back to normal... drinking lots of water and green tea and taking vitamins and supplements. and sticking to my diet and walking... so happy :) once I get to 130 (which is average for my height 5'6) i'll start writing the middle number... but right now i'm just too fat... i'm close, but still feel too fat to post the whole number. even 130 is yucky... but i'll take it over what I am right now... anyway... just wanted to share my bit of joy.