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((say whaaaa?))

the scale said 1*0.5 today. I've lost 5.5lbs this month. I am so okay with that. there is still a week left in march... maybe I can get down to the next set of numbers before then..... only 1/2lb til i'm at 1*0.... then 1*9..... then I might feel comfortable enough to actually post numbers on here.... we'll see. I feel awesome. and not hungry. which is great. I *love* life.

now.... time to study islam.....

A Psalm

Yea though I have been through the valley of sloth
For long I was in torment within,
Yet I was cast out of cleanliness.
I have been most rebellious.
Outside the sword bereaved,
Inside there was only death.
This is why I wept and
My eyes overflowed with tears.
No one was near to comfort me.
No one to restore my spirit.
Yet though You remain as
I flail in my squalor.
This was nothing to those who passed by.
Look around and see,
No suffering was like my suffering,
That was inflicted upon myself.
And then I was stilled.
I looked a long long look and saw true.
I stopped trying to save my life
And instead, I lose it for You.
I lay down this ample being to be close to you.
I will not walk in the council of wicked,
Nor stand in the ways of sinners.
Your kindness has lead me to repentance.
I will become a true disciple by giving up myself.

90 calories over.....

Monday is a 300 calorie day.. and it's the hardest one out of all three 300 calorie days (Sunday, Monday, and Friday) because it's following a 300 calorie day... which is my lowest calorie days.... so with between the exercise and the eating i'm 90 calories over my limit. 390 calories..... granted I could do a Jilian Michaels workout and burn it off... but I think i'm just going to let it go... it's only 90 calories.... ugh. I hate that though.

overall today was good.... psych class was cancelled, but I got my crossword puzzle made for chapter 8 to give to the class (my group has chapters 8 and 13). that is my contribution to our presentation. for chapter thirteen I actually have to make a powerpoint on mood disorders... I should start working on that... also, have a quiz on Islam on Wednesday in religions of the world class.... for that final I have to make an argument so I think i'm going to do head coverings for Christian women. (see Corinthians 11 if you are not aware of this practice). I do wear a covering, however I am the only woman in my church who does. They have their reasons, but what it comes down to is that it IS a commandment and I'm okay with that. God's mercy will probably cover them in the End but why push it? How hard is it to put a scarf or hat over your head when praying? Not hard at all. Not a big deal. anyway, that's what my paper will be on.

Meow Jr. was here today and that was cool... he was all laid out and sleeping on the bedroom floor and I got to touch his tail lol... he freaked and ran under the bed.... *sigh* I've petted his head before in another closed off space, I wish he would let me be near him... maybe in time... but for now he is comfortable with 3ft in between us.... that's okay. he's just a little thing and has had it rough, so maybe in time he'll come around.

oh! and my neighbor's cat Pookie (who is Meow Jr.'s sister) had three babies today! two calicos and a grey and white. their mother (pookie and meow) was a calico.... so almost definitely two girls... the grey/white may be a boy... but there was no runt. all three are the same size :) hoping in six weeks we can adopt them out and get Pookie fixed.

also, stopped by the furniture store close to my house (el sol furniture), and looked at a loveseat and chair.... the loveseat is ideal, a little over $300... I could do it on payments... my pour futon-couch has dips in the seats... cheap target couch. but it worked for two years.... I don't mind it so much (only paid about $100 for it), but it's really broken, so this time I'm buying from a furniture store. The loveseat was really comfortable... and would look a lot nicer and give me more space.... so i'm going back tomorrow to talk about payments, and then on Thursday i'm dragging my mom there to look at stuff too. they have catalogues of other options... so we will look through them. I need a firm texture to hopefully withstand the cats... I don't want them to claw it, and I will correct that behavior if they do (they have plenty of scratching posts), but I also would like it to be comfortable.... This will be my first real piece of furniture (i'm sorry, I don't count the crappy futon as furniture) since my bed that I bought in 2011.... after that I may think about getting an end table instead of using a Rubbermaid tub lol...

and FINALLY my books came in from the library! So now I have three books (prequels) to read this week and next (which is SPRING BREAK) and they all lead up to my favorite book in the world, The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley. The time I spend not eating is when i'm reading and I love it. SO three novels to consume in the next two weeks.... one week no school (I really don't think we should have a "spring break" but okay). i'm excited :)

okay so that about rounds up my day.... fully satisfying... and I would totally write this in a paper journal but I type faster than I can write, so.... so I'm back to online journaling...

~Ash

Oh! pictures!!!! Here are the three babies!


Also, I will show you MY fur babies...
Cinnamon


Miss Meow


Zoey

((300 calories))

consumed exactly 300 calories today. right at my limit on a sunday ^_^ very pleased.

((nearer.my.God.to.thee))

I truly love Sundays.... it starts the week off, I have church that clears my head and fills my spirit... it's the first 300 calorie day of the week....

just woke up from a TWO hour nap (whoa). didn't hear my 1pm alarm go off to take my meds, so just took them now... hopefully I get to sleep on time tonight. but it's 3pm and I've only had 110 cals so far, about to add 10 to that with some cups of coffee... so total will be 120. thinking I may eat soup tonight, which will bring me up to 220.... this new medication is curbing my appetite (a nice side effect).

also, my scale decided to be nice, i'm back to 1*3, just one lb off from about a week ago... I know 3lbs is unlikely to drop by the end of the month, but one can hope... then i'll be at my fgw. *nice* but I know i'm older now, so my body isn't as happy to drop 2-4lbs a week as it was when I was 16 lol...

I think my ear infection is going away finally... I have about a week left on putting drops in my ear but my hearing is a little better already.

Meow Jr. stayed the night last night even with the window open... he's gone now, but I know he'll be back when he gets hungry lol. you can tell he was the runt of last years litter... he is very small, I estimate 6lbs. my smallest baby, Ms. Meow, is maybe 8lbs and she's pretty small (just fluffy). since he is short haired you can see how fine his bones are and how skinny he is... i'm trying to fatten him up, but he had a rough first year... I'm glad I can help give him good nutrition and WATER... I swear I don't know how those feral cats find water outside (I live in the desert)... puddles from sprinklers maybe.... but since I can't put actual bowls outside (f*ck my manager) I can't leave water out for them... the food I just put on the ground and they're cool with that (the cats, not the manager).

I could seriously talk about my cats all day lol... trying to *limit* myself. okay, i'm going to have some coffee and read or something... OH! I organized my bathroom last night, it looks great. I'm seriously in love with this new medication that gives me the energy to get stuff done. I feel like i'm living like a normal person finally....

((new.day))

AH! Good morning! :) it is almost 7:40am and I am up and about... thinking about going for a walk... well, in the past two days my scale has come back from having whatever evil spirit made it say I gained 7lbs in one day... almost... back to 1*3.5. i'll take it... (so that means in about 2 days I've lost like 5lb? I don't understand scales. except they are mean.)

ANNNNNNYWAAAAAAAYS

yesterday was wonderful. I got SO much stuff done *yay*... cleaned up my apartment a bit, took out loads of trash... a ((spring cleaning)) if you will. it was really good... I think the cats are happier too.

speaking of cats.. Meow Jr came back!!!!!! i'm SO excited. he's a feral cat that hangs out outside my bedroom window (he's not allowed at the front, so says my other two feral cats Hannibal and Lucky). he's smaller and gets bullied a lot and doesn't have any friends.... well, anyway, a few weeks ago I started letting him in via my bedroom window.... because I am the ultimate sucker for cats, and my indoor babies don't seem to mind him... well, he was gone for like FIVE days or something and scared the crap out of me (I was afraid other cats might have finally run him off for good. he has no friends and no real territory)... so anyway, I had closed up the window and decided NO MORE letting him in. that I would feed him outside and that was that....

BUT.... he showed up at, like, 1am in this morning mewing (he has a pitiful mew) to be let in... so I finally opened the screen back up and let him come in and eat.... **sigh** as long as my inside babies don't go out the hole in screen I made for him, then I really don't mind him coming in and eating and having a nice place to sleep at night/day/whenever he wants to.

so I guess I have an inside/outside cat now. *sigh*. i'm a 28 yr cat lady. (secretly, I don't mind). anyway, thinking of going for a walk now before it gets too warm. have an apt with therapist at 1pm, then FINALLY going over to mom's to do my taxes.... hopefully i'll get a call from the library today saying one or two of the books I ordered came in.... i'm in the middle of an excellent series and can't wait to continue it.

have a good day everyone!

going to die.

WTF

i'm sorry, but my scale and I got in a fight today.... because all of a sudden (after walking like four miles and eating under 1000 calories for sure) it says I've GAINED weight. I hate that. there is the building muscle crap but I don't believe it. I think my scale just decides to scare the living daylights of me for its amusement. *sigh* it says I went from 1*2 to 1*9. say whaaaaa? in one day? just because I stopped having diarrhea? I don't know. it's been bothering me all day.

*grumble*

on the up note, today my doctor put me on Adderall twice a day (low dose) for focus, and I took one and ((((bam)))) i'm not hungry, I got school work done, I got extra work done, I helped a neighbor.... like. 5mg of Adderall kickstarted my life. it's hilarious! with this, slimming tea, nopalina, green tea, coffee..... hmmm I think i'm going to start having great mornings lol.... btw: I don't drink both teas and coffee in the morning, I switch through out the day. one cup at a time lol.

and I walked a ridiculous approx. 3 hours running around getting stuff done....

however, I did stop by the bakery *dies* why does there have to be an awesome bakery in between me and the school??? got some cheese bread. and after I just got done with olives and cheese (getting them out of my house) I bring this in..... *sigh* I think jilian michaels will help me burn it off. the bread is soooo good. all the more reason to NOT eat it. because i'm sure it's filled with fat and calories.... (but I love it). <--- this coming from the girl who for years literally despised food and had to freaking fight to eat. well, i'm out of practice I guess.... anyway, life seems okay today. and i'm actually going to watch TV (WHAAAAAT)... I usually read.... but I have a few shows saved so i'm going to eat cheese bread and watch Vikings on history channel. terrible.... then i'll work on homework tomorrow.

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

wtf..... wtffffffffffffffffff..... argh. okay, this is my journal so I will write what I want.
*peace*
I have been on antibiotics (now stopped taking them) for a cat bite/whatever chest cold thing I got. well, I had been having some diarrhea, but at first I was like, hey! it's like laxatives but without taking laxatives! and then last night I got up like SEVEN times to literally pee out my butt. ((((((sorry, this is graphic)))))) and i'm like there's nothing in there!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh...... so today took Imodium, stopped antibiotics (all with dr. approval. cat bites are fixed and so is chest I was just finishing up the ten day thing) and like.....

there's more?

how is that even possible? because for a midnite snack I had 7 celery, 7 strawberries (44 cals),
then in the morning I ate one egg with one piece of toast.... but I had coffee (bad idea)
and then I had water water green tea water celery and then soup (100 calories)
got back from class and had to go again. took more Imodium.

and then I actually ATE food. like, carbs. I had 1 cup rice, with soup (100), and cheeeeese (I love cheese). and it was delicious. and then I went to the bathroom. and i'm like, dude, am I dying??????

last Imodium for the day. drinking water.... will have an otter pop to cheer me up.

OHHHHH!!!!!! and besides the 2 miles I walk going back and forth to school on Mondays/Wednesdays..... my EX sent his address again (long story better left untold) and I boxed up all his shirts... and the teddy bear... and necklaces... and the comic book and dvds...... and I walked that shit down to the post office like a bad ass. *best package I ever sent* I feel so good having that stuff out of my house. he caused me one of the worst depressions I've been in, in years.... YEARS. to the point that I cut myself. I am recovered. I work in mental health. I am a college student. I speak at highschools about SI awareness and suicide prevention. and I was on the brink of wishing I was dead. THAT BAD. for TWO MONTHS. he broke up with me because he didn't want to grow up and have responsibilities and *feelings*... he was much comfier with his bachelor video game small life. but he PRETENDED like he wanted all that stuff (married, kids, etc). and then all of a sudden was like. nope. just kidding.

who does that?

total mind f*ck. BUT it's better because I am out of said depression and wallowing in misery and ANA has looked at me with her thin arms crossed and a sardonic smile on her face saying "why'd you leave?". oooooohhhhh..... and so...... i'm down like 6lbs since started, 4lbs this month so far.... and it all just feels so good to be back in her bony arms. *why did I ever leave trying to please people who just leave me.* ana never leaves.
The best description of acetism that I have found.

"When I was living on a single fruit a day, my body grew emaciated in the extreme. [my limbs became] like the knotted joints of withered creepers; like a buffalo's hoof were my shrunken buttocks; like the twists in a rope were my spinal vertebrae; like the rafters of a tumble-down roof were my gaunt ribs; like the starry gleams on water deep down in the depths of a well, so shone my gleaming eyes down in the depths of their sockets; and as the rind of a cut gourd shrinks and shrivels in the heat, so shrank and shriveled the scalp of my head.... If I sought to feel my belly, it was my backbone which I found in my grasp."

I ate two (TWO) snack cheeses.... 160 calories. today was a fail. must try again tomorrow... planning..... coffee... water... celery.... strawberries.... 2 mile walk.

harder.better.faster.stronger.

Sunday (a 300 calorie day)

I've walked 3.5 miles today.... to church... was happy there...
ugh... here is diary for today... I plan to make some coffee soon.... I can't believe I ate bread. *grr*

coffee - 5
cream - 35

((walks 3.5 mi)) - (-219)

salmon fillet - 175
1/2 pear - 50

water
bread - 110
water
bread - 110

it is 6:19pm and my total is 485 calories on a 300 calorie day. *fail* but, I did walk.... so minus those burned calories, total is ((266)). I can deal with that.

Just realized I missed church tonight. *ugh* thinking about going for a short walk (2 or 3 mi) just to be sure I am under calories for today.... but I have *Religions of the World* (philosophy class) homework that I reeeally need to do on Buddhism. So I think I will do that.

This website has changed so much... I'll have to get used to it.
~Ash